reflections

yeaaa so now htat the new year has started ii have really been on a mission to try to fix the shit thats wrong wit me ii been on the computer just looking up diff topics and what people have to say about them....mainly im tryna fix me relationship issues....I have trust issues out the ass and sumtyms ii lay at nite think about how messed up ii am and the people who have hurt me in the past and ii jux shed tears sometimes cuz ii used to be such a diff person now ima shell of a women that doesnt wanna open ^^ to any1 abd if uu try to get close to me i'll attack....its hard ii mean i dnt know exactly how im sposed to fix this prob on my own ii mean im readin advice columns and everything tryna gt diff outlooks cuz ii dnt wan be like this for the rest of my life.........for the moment i am content with bein single......it works....just thinking bout being in a relationship with sum1 is a turnoff like 4 real i honestly have no interest in the opposite sex yes ii can recognize when a man looks gud and watnot but thinkin bout bein wit em is a no no....i'll never forget when matt called me bitter that really got to me cuz its the god awful truth and someone picked up on it.......ii dnt see how uu can teach urself to trust when there's no1 around....and im not bout to just start talkin to any ole nigga for practice lol i just dunno but ii really wanna be whole on the inside..in the worst way ii do im just fearful that another nigga is gonna portray himself as a stand up dude then hurt me like all the other ones.lamont has hurt me ......darryl has hurt me.....bj's hurt me....tyreik has hurt me....my dad has hurt me....nicholas and jason has hurt me.......reggie has hurt me....mike has hurt me....jahlil has hurt me ii mean for real the one thing ii have a major issue with is men neglecting me.....ii cant wrap ma mind around how it came so easily to these dudes to up and leave me without a second thought....how they walked away so easily is still a mystery to me.like how can everything be perfect....how can yesterday ii be sumbody's baby the next day im alone....how can uu love me then skip town like we never shared anything?????? how can ma feelings not matter enuff for uu to grant me the courtesy of telling me yy we cant be. if a niggas not fuckin things up its me.......i have the nagging feeling inside me that iif i never would have went  through darryl's phone everything would still be good with us to this day..ii made him lose trust in me.....if ii just woulds told tyreik that ii loved him to when he 1st said it...who knows where we'd be rite now.......i can admit that i sabotage things to...&& ii dnt eem noe how to stop myself from doing that cuz evrytime it happens its unintentional