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yeaaa so now htat the new year has started ii have really been on a mission to try to fix the shit thats wrong wit me ii been on the computer just looking up diff topics and what people have to say about them....mainly im tryna fix me relationship issues....I have trust issues out the ass and sumtyms ii lay at nite think about how messed up ii am and the people who have hurt me in the past and ii jux shed tears sometimes cuz ii used to be such a diff person now ima shell of a women that doesnt wanna open ^^ to any1 abd if uu try to get close to me i'll attack....its hard ii mean i dnt know exactly how im sposed to fix this prob on my own ii mean im readin advice columns and everything tryna gt diff outlooks cuz ii dnt wan be like this for the rest of my life.........for the moment i am content with bein single......it works....just thinking bout being in a relationship with sum1 is a turnoff like 4 real i honestly have no interest in the opposite sex yes ii can recognize when a man looks gud and watnot but thinkin bout bein wit em is a no no....i'll never forget when matt called me bitter that really got to me cuz its the god awful truth and someone picked up on it.......ii dnt see how uu can teach urself to trust when there's no1 around....and im not bout to just start talkin to any ole nigga for practice lol i just dunno but ii really wanna be whole on the inside..in the worst way ii do im just fearful that another nigga is gonna portray himself as a stand up dude then hurt me like all the other ones.lamont has hurt me ......darryl has hurt me.....bj's hurt me....tyreik has hurt me....my dad has hurt me....nicholas and jason has hurt me.......reggie has hurt me....mike has hurt me....jahlil has hurt me ii mean for real the one thing ii have a major issue with is men neglecting me.....ii cant wrap ma mind around how it came so easily to these dudes to up and leave me without a second thought....how they walked away so easily is still a mystery to me.like how can everything be perfect....how can yesterday ii be sumbody's baby the next day im alone....how can uu love me then skip town like we never shared anything?????? how can ma feelings not matter enuff for uu to grant me the courtesy of telling me yy we cant be. if a niggas not fuckin things up its me.......i have the nagging feeling inside me that iif i never would have went  through darryl's phone everything would still be good with us to this day..ii made him lose trust in me.....if ii just woulds told tyreik that ii loved him to when he 1st said it...who knows where we'd be rite now.......i can admit that i sabotage things to...&& ii dnt eem noe how to stop myself from doing that cuz evrytime it happens its unintentional

When Trust Is The Issue

 I learned that the past is the demon that can affect the future. I've found that not only I, but also so many women today lose men that they truly love. Why? Sometimes it's insecurity, or the most profound entity that keeps a relationship real and that's trust. Sometimes we let the men of yesterday dictate our tomorrow. We let sorry men that never worked out for us to screw up what is working for us in the present. Sometimes you hurt so bad you forget what love looks like, or what it is, or what it feels like.... it's all jaded.

Ladies, we sometimes forget that all men DO NOT love the same. So to expect the same thing in a different relationship isn't fair. To stereotype every man that you may encounter leaves you in an empty circle of loneliness. My man and I just broke up. Why? Because I couldn't trust him. Why? Because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, so I expected my new boyfriend would. He broke things off with because of my accusation. It hurt so bad, he and i haven't spoken since. I lost a man who was the direct reflection of me because I let my past affect my future. I didn't trust that he could love me like i wanted. I didn't trust that this relationship was new and that it could be better than the first. Instead i walked into the relationship with a monotone heart, programmed and prone to hurt. Asking endless insinuating questions or over exaggerating situations was regular, because i was making sure i didn't get hurt. But so much distrust and exaggeration made me lose a love that i wish that i had. Ladies let's not forget that every love is different. No matter how many men we meet, we need to treat them as what they are, brand new men. If hurt is the result of the relationship learn to know what it is you want and what it is you want to become and what your heart will become. Treat a new man, exactly that... new. Forget about what the other man did.

Forget how bad he was in bed. Forget his inconsideration for your feelings. Forget his lack of sensitivity. Forget his macho steelo. Forget the disrespectful words that flowed with ease out of his mouth towards you. Forget the brazen touches. Forget the late night phone calls from every woman except for you. Forget all the lies...  Forget what it was like to hurt, because if the man you have now is doing everything right, then accept it, and don't look back to the past.

man o man vox...it's been xrazy uu noe wat ii have to say that ii think 2008 has had to have been the worse year ever...and that's no understatement!! ive lost kisha.....darryl adn ma motha caught me gettin head in her bed!!!!! ii mena wtf sum1 has been after me and ii wish they would stop...but yea so i reconnected w/ a freind and he been tellin me how sexy ii am and wat he would like to do wit me and im not paying him no mind cuz he commtited and been committed since high school but he's giving me mad G tho ii tell uu so ii really atart entertaining the idea.so bing bang boom plans are in motion for shit to pop off the very next day....adn to ma surprise it really does happen ii mena ii kinda believed him but then ii didnt.soooooo crystal leaves with a friend of hers and ii have ma lil company we chilly reuniting and it feels so good lol then crystal tells me she on her way bac him so ii tke ma friend to the bac we still watching the movie then uu already know he starts and things really start popppin pff so im gettin ga box ii mean its gooood but i knew ii wasnt bout to have the O so he keeps going...his lil determined self by then im gettin a lil reastless jux hopin he's already adn get to the consumating!!!! lol so yea ii heard the door open a couple mins earlier and ii thought crystal had left plus the door was locked(((so ii thought)))))) and in walks ma motha wit her dauhgter eagle spread on the bed....tidd's swinging.........boy in btwn ma legs slurping.....and im liiiiiike OMQQQQQQQQ why me!!!!!!!!! so she tell us to get dressed and he like o this not eem ma 1st time gttin caught and im thinking im really not tryna hear that rite now.he qoes to the bath to wash his face and im puttin clothes bac on then he walks past ma motha and says sorry we had to meet this way ...i laughed silently in ma head lol mind uu all this time crystal is sleepin on the couch unaware of teh magnitude of things thas happenin around her rite now.so me and ma mom had a quic chat but she just want me to change the sheets and leave her alone so ii do then she qoes for a walkm ii quess then ii wake crystal dumn ass up to tell her wat happened............buthtis nt eeem the end of it son

mannnnnnnnn vox its been a min ii dnt eem no where to start wellll im jux gettin ova da flu like shit....crystal had this lil cough 4 a week and ii aint pay no attn to it then BAM ii woke up ma throat was hurtin and ma body was feelin sore but ii hAad to go to silver spring so ii kept on keepin on but on ma way bac home ii was shiverin like shit on the bus and ma whoooole body felt so sore.so i had to call out frm work man those couple a days was torture ii couldnt sleep ii was tossin and turnin cuz ma body hurt and ii still gotta sore throat man thats the last thing to go kermen tole me ii prolly got strep throat....i believe her cuz ma throat still feelin a lil tender and the craxy thing bout is that crystal aint have nuffin but a lil cough and i was ova hea wit full blown aids!!! lol but yea on ma way to work last week ii saw justin kamahunda drivin past and ii was talkin to him and we wa sposed to get up bu that fool has not called or text me as of yet...im so mad at him cuz ii missed dat boy he was bout to drive me to work and everything!!!!!! but yea and i quess marky poo qot ma number from dave cuz he been textin me out the ass these past too days talkin bout he wanna go out and cum ova and shyt .....lol ii be like marky ii luv da shyt outta uu but where did this cum from jordanna is ur bestii llol but its kewl ii missed that fool he's a better friend than dave who NEVER texts me 1st.....bitch &&& im sorta kinda startin to get mad at him cuz ii think he's manipulative....so ii break and send him a tit pix and it has not been sittin well wit me all this time iim still sad about how he managed to negate all ma feelings and reduce me to sex....yea not too happy wit that but me && him pokin is never going happen

omq VOXXXXX hav ii realli been that neglectful???? ii 4got to inform uu chumps that as of November 5, 2008 we hav our 1st BLACK PRESIDENT:::::BARACK OBAMA:::::: shit man ii 4got to write bout that...yea ya qirl made history voted for the 1st black president it was a joyous occasion o man ii cant tell uu how elated ii felt man thas prolly why ii aint get around to writin nuffin cuz ii was to busy crying and carry'n on when ii heard the news on tv**::::well lemme recap that nite 4 ya:::****  um ii was talkin to that busta mike on da phone talkin bout nuffin in particular and ma mom was layin down in the living room and he tole me that barack was da prez and ii said ur lyin?!?!?!?!? then ii turned on da tv and saw 4 maself ii was like nucca ima have to call uu bac ii was shakin ma motha and everything lol it was a moment i'll neva 4get

sooooooo las nite hmmph!! lemme tell uu ii was up til 4am jux thinkin bout darryl yo ii swear ma mind was racing ii was jux playin out all these diff scenario's in ma mind about us rekindling wat we had and him calling me ii mean ii was tired as shyt and been in the bed since 2 and jux thinkin bout him kept me up all nite and ii knew dam well ii had to go bac to work 2day lls but yea ii was jux concocting mad shyt in ma head and thinking bout him....it was crazy thennnnn..... ii had this dream about q-tips new video gettin up and lauryn  hill was in it jus dancing and flexing wit him lol.....,hmmmmm....cud ii hav sum musical forsight lol but thas it nuffin much momz shud be cumin bac 2nite or 2mah morn...missed that chix hope she brought me sumfin bac.....and ii dnt eem think it was that important for me to mention but ii qav this dude ma number earlier in the week while ii was waitin for the bus and he hasnt called...as ii always say there's a statute of limitations on ma number and if uu dnt use it...its a done deal!! but chea man was an iight week had a lil fun and shyt me && crystal had a lil heart to heart bout her living here and everything...i mean its all qoinq work itself out mannnn it will.trust. gotta pay ma phone bill in these next couple days and stop playin ii cannot wait to get paid this fri mannnnn ima get ma hair done get sum boots prolly timbs and a pair of high heel boots and call it a day....and maybe sum more shirts and jeans im jux needin to fine sum black skinny jeans and ii noe old navy prolly got em

WHAT A KISS MEANS

*kiss on the stomach------"lets have sex"

*kiss on the forehead-------"forever you will be mine"

*kiss on the ear------"im horny"

*kiss on the cheek-----"we're friends"

*kiss on the hand------"ii adore uu"

*kiss on the neck-----"we belong together"

*kiss on the shoulder------"i want you"

*kiss on the lips------"ii want you OR ii love you"

WHAT GESTURES MEAN

*holding hands------"we can learn to love each other"

*slap on the butt---- "thats mine"

*playing with ear----"i cant live without you"

*holding on tight----"dont let go"

*looking into each other's eyes------"dont leave me"

*playing with hair on the head----"tell me you love me"

*arms around the waist----"i love you too much to let go"

*laughing while kissing-----"ii am completely comfortable with you"

FORBIDDEN

Sometimes i have these strong feelings that overwhelm me

We were the was that never was..Ones that couldnt love

You were forbidden to me and i was to you

Even when we were together these feelings were to true

Your eyes, your lips, or just the way you moved

The energy that we exerted only proved

A "sexual eruption", naw it was more than that

Deep kissing and good loving i know you was wanting that

Bound by our lifestyles we couldnt cross paths

There were bumps in our roads, that we just couldnt pass

I cant wonder about wat cuda been

I can only walk down the path and see if we meet again

You were angel in my eyes with some devilish ways

Some things that you showed me were the freakiest things

We cant say it but I know wat uu feel

Is it because this is forbidden or the feelings are real

welp ii spoke to soon cuz sumfin did pop off yesterday....so outta nowhere the ole muslim nigga ii chilled wit bac in the day called me outta da blue wantin to noe how ii been so ii let him cum over...meanwhile matt was takin crystal to the setting ,then they went to this reggae house party that ii sooooooooo  shuda been @~!!!!!!1 but yea so he dint annoy me as much as he did when we first chilled so ii thought maybe we could get along but ii made the mistake in telling him that fam was outta town and this nigga persistantly tried to coerse me into lettin him stay the nite which is a no no no matter how nice he was acting so anyhoo nite goes on and ii let this nigga have a  qo at it and it was SOOOOO WACK when we was thru ma mind was movin a mile a min tryna fiqure out how fast and nicely ii can get him to disperse lol cuz ii was too disgusted

***** :::lol wenever im havin a WTF moment im jux goin insert mone's face to get ma point across clearly:::****yo ii really thought he was bout to do sumfin ii mean he was meticulously lickin ma bac and ma butt and neck and spine and ii aint going lie it was feeling sooooo good ii had to regulate the shit outta ma breathing cuz ii was bout to hav an asthma attack!!! that shit was turning me on which was kinda funni cuz ii remember wen lamont used to do that iit aint turn me on half as much lol but yea everything lke every sexual encounter ive had was extremely dreadful and time wasting.ii cudnt eem fake like ii wanted him to be around after that so finally ii got him to leave and was like whew!!!!!!! plus that whole muslim thing would never sit rite wit me cuz while he was here ii let him borrow a towel so he could pray to allah which ii should repent for rite now.,.............................ok ii did so yea anyways then crystal came home an hr later she wasnt realli feelin where they was at so we chatted bout our nites then went to sleep at like 5 close to six sumthin in da morn and iii havent heard from muslim yet and ii dnt plan on contacting him it woulda never worked out ii jux needed sum sat nite entertainment but yea then arnell called me tonite asking can ii watch her lil fat mama lol ii liked her baby so ii tole her ii would but then iii gotta get and cash ma check tomorrow so ii can have the money to giv to sheen for the stuff ii got on hold at neiman marcus that ii gotta get by tues or weds but ii could really wait to get ma check on tues but im not tryna get tied up like that it'll prolly be better iif ii wait til tomorrow but yea that was the weekend yo.momz went outta town and shit ii get paid 50 for watchin lil baby so all well it end well ii quess ii was jux really tryna get to work early so that ii could have the rest of the day to maslef but yea ii mighta rained on crystal parade cuz ii tole ha she had to giv me bac that 15 ii gave matt for gas money to take her ass to capital heights to get her shit.....nufffin in life cum free lol everytime ii gotta cum outta pocket she will be paying me bac 

but yea so ma momz jux left to go to Va a bout an hr ago.crystal still here....lol aint bout to do shit prolly lol sittin rite in ma damn house watchin tv.so iii been thinkin bout how ii could get ridda dee lol ii swear ii dnt wan deal wit no niggas but..still thinkin bout that one soo fat head been talkin he like bum saying it in a jokin way but ii think there's a lil truth behind that..if there is ii gues thats kewl.it is a lil like wtf man ii aint had teh complex since skool..as far as being the overlooked one lol but wadeva it happens aint much to say so ima hit this up later if anything intersting ever happens in ma life